your eyes tell a different story

seeing you today was hard... hard in the sense that I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready for what was about to come my way. I didn't realize the extent to which this was going to affect you. I was ready for bells and whistles, courtesy of my minds creativity, and instead I got a reality check.

A reality check that hurt me. It hurt me, and though I sound selfish, it actually hurt me. It hurt me because for the first time in 9 months, I saw the look in your eyes be something I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready for you to talk about a hearing loss, being a vet... It was a lot to take in. I am mad at myself because I wasn't prepared to deal with any of this. It's my own fault for not listening to people's advice about how changed you were going to be.

I know that I need to push my feelings aside and be there for you as best as I can.. But it seems that although I thought I was prepared for the worst- i was, in fact not even close to being prepared... I didn't expect that it would take nearly a week and a half to see you. and that hurt.
I wasn't prepared to see the look of innocence vanish from you face. Those blue eyes I've been dreaming about were not the ones that were looking at me as we ate lunch. Is it too much? Are
we completely out of tune.. or sync? I don't know. I still don't know where I am headed with this. I am worried that I completely made up a story in my head and this is all my minds fabrication. I wish I could just know. I wish there was something else I could do..

If I could ask you for one thing, though, I would just please ask you to not blow me off. I am not strong enough right now for this to crumble. (My own fault: I've been looking forward to you coming home for a long time, and I never factored all of this in... bear with me)

ignorance

i don't know the extent of the thoughts that are going on inside my head.. sometimes it feels like it might explode into tiny little pieces becuase of the insane amount of information that I am dealing with right now.
i wish i could take comfort in knowing that Army man was even a phone call away. But alas, as it is my luck-- I can't really pick up the phone and give him a shout... Which brings me to another thought (thought #423 out of 29048). Does he see me the same way I see him? Is he as emotionally invested in this as I am? Am I pulling a crazy self move and obsessing over something that is so completely out of my hands? Probably.. but obsessing over knowing where we stand gets my mind to wonder away from all the other weird thoughts... You know, the post-motherland trip thoughts.

The thoughts that have made me question the last 15 years of my life. The thoughts that have led me to completely shut her out of my life... But how can I, right? How can I shut her out, when she has been the one by my side over the past 15 years. When she has been the one that has taken care of me, and shaped me into who I am today.. On the flip side, it's everything that she's done that I am starting to question.. What were her motifs, what where the reasons behind the choices that were made- FOR me, nonetheless- several years ago.

I just I could wake up tomorrow and know that things were back to normal.. I understand now why people say that ignorance is bliss.


yeah, because finding out about what I've been lied to, and having it backed up with pictures is a kick to the shins.

post debauchery

you called me. on my birthday. from the middle east. to wish me a happy birthday. I couldn't believe it when I listened to your voicemail. My heart felt like it was braking into little pieces, and it was all my fault, had I not been in bed sleeping off a mean hangover, I would've picked up the phone... ugh I was so mad at myself.
and then you called again. and I couldn't believe my luck, to hear your voice for the first time since April... It was so surreal, and the most amazing birthday present I could've ever asked for.

I worry I am reading into this too much. I worry you won't feel the same way. I worry my heart is going to get broken... and then I remind myself to just take a deep breath, and think about your goofy smile.

-----------------on a very different note.
Why would the tall and skinny man decide to make a pass at one? Why did he automatically asume he could just invite himself into a slumber party. not cool. hope you enjoyed a taste of your own medicine.

umm... found this little guy on the interwebs. me wants one.


xx

i win

Last night after work, I drove up to a cottage with the bestfriends sister and her mister. WE ended up getting SOOO lost, but since she drives a Jeep we were able to go off roading for a little bit and enjoy the nice weather/scenery... We finallly made it to the cottage at around 7, and proceeded to fill our bellies with beer (via flip cup).
After sitting out in the yard watching the fire grow, more and more people started to show up.... By midnight there must've been atleast 25 people all jamming out by the fire. It was such a great night that culminated with fireworks. Ahhh.... le summer, i love you.
The annual epic birthday bonanza kicked off last night at the cottage. Tonight we continue at one of my all-time favourite spots in Ottawa... Trio.
Tomorrow the debauchery continues at Zaphods where I will be joined (hopefuly) by many friends... I bought a really cute dress, and I'm feeling really good about tomorrow. More updates to follow.

how dare i

I went to see Inception tonight, and as the movie was starting I realized that (uh... this is hard to even type) I broke up with the ex exactly a year ago... and oh my god have things ever changed. I still can't believe that so much has happened since we broke up. I have grown so much. I have learned so much. I have most importantly become o.k with who I am.... Something I was struggling with for a very long time.
It's funny to realize that I was complaining only last night about the army man, who I didnt know a year ago.. Sweet irony I guess.
I can't really believe that my birthday is mere 6 days away. To look back on this year and everything that happened is going to be interesting.. To reflect on what happened and what changed this year will make me realize how much I've grown and changed in the past year.

Who I was a year ago, is nothing in comparison to who I am today. I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am ease with where I am in life. maybe now is the time for prince charming to show up.

about a dollar's worth

i wrote you a very heartfelt and emotional e-mail last night. After pressing send, I did my post-sending ritual... I re-read everything that I had said, and then tried to imagine how or what you think about everything that I had to say.
I'm trying to keep my guard up, and not let my heart get in the way of my mind, but I can feel myself slipping. I can't help but feel lost when I think about you... Being so far away from me, and from what you know as home. When you replied this afternoon, you mentioned something along the lines of taking time when you get home to get used to being in a civilized society, and how it might take you a little time. How very selfish of me to think that your head would be where mine is.
Ready, to make a commitment.
Ready, to let someone in to my heart.
(as much as I hate to admit it, I am also ready to get my heart broken because you may not feel the same way.)

----on a side note, I was kindly reminded by MTV's "If you really knew me" that highschool was such weird social experiment... but I survived. I was able to walk away from all the craziness with a highschool diploma (baerly).
And today, I am so far from that.
I am working a full-time corporate america job.
I am happy.
I am at ease with my self (for the most part)
I am proud of myself for accomplishing so many things in just a few months.

summer loving.

I just spent the most amazing weekend at a friends Cottage! We drove out on saturday morning and were lounging by the beach at 2pm, it was absolutely prefect.
I had the chance of hanging out with some new friends, and we had such a blast. It's really amazing to get to know people on such a relaxed environment... Especially with such great tunes. All of the people at the cottage can be sorted into my cateogry of cool people. You know, those people that are full of great little tid bits of knowledge, have a great taste in music and thus just provide for great adventures.
Summer is coming to an end. Just typing those words alone makes me want to head out the door and go to the nearest beach and soak up some rays.
only proof of my weeekend.

I've been meaning to start a blog for a while. I think I've done my fair share of blog reading for the past few years to have an idea of what I want to talk about. first, know that I love fashion... How cliche, right? I am a student, social media junkie, only child, living and home, and most importantly- I am only too happy to spend all of my money on clothes and food.
I dream big, I talk a lot and I want to see what the world has to offer.
Welcome.