Sunday, December 12, 2010

your eyes tell a different story

seeing you today was hard... hard in the sense that I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready for what was about to come my way. I didn't realize the extent to which this was going to affect you. I was ready for bells and whistles, courtesy of my minds creativity, and instead I got a reality check.

A reality check that hurt me. It hurt me, and though I sound selfish, it actually hurt me. It hurt me because for the first time in 9 months, I saw the look in your eyes be something I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready for you to talk about a hearing loss, being a vet... It was a lot to take in. I am mad at myself because I wasn't prepared to deal with any of this. It's my own fault for not listening to people's advice about how changed you were going to be.

I know that I need to push my feelings aside and be there for you as best as I can.. But it seems that although I thought I was prepared for the worst- i was, in fact not even close to being prepared... I didn't expect that it would take nearly a week and a half to see you. and that hurt.
I wasn't prepared to see the look of innocence vanish from you face. Those blue eyes I've been dreaming about were not the ones that were looking at me as we ate lunch. Is it too much? Are
we completely out of tune.. or sync? I don't know. I still don't know where I am headed with this. I am worried that I completely made up a story in my head and this is all my minds fabrication. I wish I could just know. I wish there was something else I could do..

If I could ask you for one thing, though, I would just please ask you to not blow me off. I am not strong enough right now for this to crumble. (My own fault: I've been looking forward to you coming home for a long time, and I never factored all of this in... bear with me)

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