Sunday, September 26, 2010


i don't know the extent of the thoughts that are going on inside my head.. sometimes it feels like it might explode into tiny little pieces becuase of the insane amount of information that I am dealing with right now.
i wish i could take comfort in knowing that Army man was even a phone call away. But alas, as it is my luck-- I can't really pick up the phone and give him a shout... Which brings me to another thought (thought #423 out of 29048). Does he see me the same way I see him? Is he as emotionally invested in this as I am? Am I pulling a crazy self move and obsessing over something that is so completely out of my hands? Probably.. but obsessing over knowing where we stand gets my mind to wonder away from all the other weird thoughts... You know, the post-motherland trip thoughts.

The thoughts that have made me question the last 15 years of my life. The thoughts that have led me to completely shut her out of my life... But how can I, right? How can I shut her out, when she has been the one by my side over the past 15 years. When she has been the one that has taken care of me, and shaped me into who I am today.. On the flip side, it's everything that she's done that I am starting to question.. What were her motifs, what where the reasons behind the choices that were made- FOR me, nonetheless- several years ago.

I just I could wake up tomorrow and know that things were back to normal.. I understand now why people say that ignorance is bliss.

yeah, because finding out about what I've been lied to, and having it backed up with pictures is a kick to the shins.