a whole new world...

breathe in. breathe out. repeat.

The days are becoming a blurr... In this blurr I've accepted the fact that I really want to document this entire experience. I want to be able to recall these next four months for the rest of my life. I don't have a clue as to what they will hold for me, but I am very interested to find out.

Moving to Toronto for my placement has been such a long thought process that I don't really think I actually got a chance to really let the idea sink in.
and sink in it did.

As soon as I saw my mom drive away from my new place of residence in the east end of Toronto, residents refer to this side of town as East York for you non-torontonians... I digress.
The feeling of being completely alone and away from my mom really got to me. I think it's still getting to me that I will be living in this city for at least 4 months... Not really knowing when I will see my mom next is really weird... daunting almost. But at the same time, I can't help but feel a sense of excitement at the anticipation of what kinds of adventures I'm going to embark on.

I will try to update this as much as possible. not for the sake of an audience, but for the sake of knowing that one day down the road I will be able to recall these memories by the click of a mouse.

xx live well,

lazy sunday

dealing with a massive hangover due to last night debauchery has taken over my sunday.
All of the sudden, cleaning my room, doing laundry and leaving the house have all been replaced by a sudden urge to watch a 10+ hour CSI marathon. Too much? probably.

Spoke with Army man last night. Called to check in and see how his first week of school went, and somehow we ended up making plans to hangout. I can't help but be skeptical and keep my guard up in case he bails.... An update will follow mid-week.

I'm starting to wonder if I should consider documenting my outfits. Silly thought, but am very intrigued buy the benefits that would have on my shopping OCD.*

Re-cap of the last few days:
-KS celebrated her birthday last night. In true fashion we showed up at the bar and tore it up; and then I pulled an ultimate me-move and proceeded to bail and go home just after 1.
-Went tobogganing with the bearded man, tall and skinny man and some of their friends. It was SO much fun. We tobogganed for what seemed like hours, and had an absolute blast!

*I swear it makes sense... Being able to see which pieces in my closet work, which don't and actually being able to see what I look like on a regular basis might help me shop my own closet. Am I rambling?

overwhelmed.

Tonight was probably one of the happiest nights of the year (5 days in, pretty big call, I know).
Dinner tonight was at the best friends' parents house. With Mamia and Papi.
Everything from the company, food and conversation was extraordinary. I had a hard time fighting back the tears that welled up when The Granade gave Mamia the most beautiful and heartfelt gift. A hand-knitted table cloth (with matching napkins!) that he brought back many moons ago from Syria.
Its times like these that I feel my heart swell at knowing that these people are, in fact, a part of my life. I can't really describe how proud I am to count them as part of my family.

The next coming months are going to be challenging*, but keeping this blog and these entries are whats going to keep me going. Knowing that there are these people, though scattered through the world, who care about me and my family.

I am greatful for those that are around me, and those who may be far but whose love is constantly with me...



*to say the least

ps: dad, I am missing you like heck today. love.

Happy New Year! I hope your coming Year is filled with excitement and happiness. I hope you’re inspired to write and create and love and live out loud. I hope you dream beautiful, bewildering dreams that keep you believing in possibilities and, most importantly, yourself. I hope you read some fine books, travel to great places, see some things that scare you, kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful-who you think is wonderful. And I hope sometime within this next year, you really surprise yourself. (via http://christinerojas.tumblr.com/)

Want a recap of how the first 12 days of the year were spent? So far the daily wrap up is as follows...

January 1st. Bearded man called, we went for breakfast. Might have been the air, or the tea.. But I finally accepted that he might not be in to me*. After a very uncomfortable 20 minutes at his house, I promptly got up and came home. I spent all day in bed, lounging... bored.


January 2nd. B-uuu-uuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuud had me over at his pad for some pints. By pints I mean an awesome 2-4 challenge. Although I didnt come close to winning, I did beat my contenders and went to bed at 1 am.

January 3rd. Magical day. Grabbed bittie and went to the market for an epic feast. We shared a bottle of vino and some 'za. Hung out with the familia afterwards, then came home.

January 4th. Drone. Might play with Glen Cairn folk later on.

ps: Army man is out of the picture. It hurts, but it hurts more to be in constant wondering.




*I am broken, un-datable apparently

your eyes tell a different story

seeing you today was hard... hard in the sense that I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready for what was about to come my way. I didn't realize the extent to which this was going to affect you. I was ready for bells and whistles, courtesy of my minds creativity, and instead I got a reality check.

A reality check that hurt me. It hurt me, and though I sound selfish, it actually hurt me. It hurt me because for the first time in 9 months, I saw the look in your eyes be something I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready for you to talk about a hearing loss, being a vet... It was a lot to take in. I am mad at myself because I wasn't prepared to deal with any of this. It's my own fault for not listening to people's advice about how changed you were going to be.

I know that I need to push my feelings aside and be there for you as best as I can.. But it seems that although I thought I was prepared for the worst- i was, in fact not even close to being prepared... I didn't expect that it would take nearly a week and a half to see you. and that hurt.
I wasn't prepared to see the look of innocence vanish from you face. Those blue eyes I've been dreaming about were not the ones that were looking at me as we ate lunch. Is it too much? Are
we completely out of tune.. or sync? I don't know. I still don't know where I am headed with this. I am worried that I completely made up a story in my head and this is all my minds fabrication. I wish I could just know. I wish there was something else I could do..

If I could ask you for one thing, though, I would just please ask you to not blow me off. I am not strong enough right now for this to crumble. (My own fault: I've been looking forward to you coming home for a long time, and I never factored all of this in... bear with me)

ignorance

i don't know the extent of the thoughts that are going on inside my head.. sometimes it feels like it might explode into tiny little pieces becuase of the insane amount of information that I am dealing with right now.
i wish i could take comfort in knowing that Army man was even a phone call away. But alas, as it is my luck-- I can't really pick up the phone and give him a shout... Which brings me to another thought (thought #423 out of 29048). Does he see me the same way I see him? Is he as emotionally invested in this as I am? Am I pulling a crazy self move and obsessing over something that is so completely out of my hands? Probably.. but obsessing over knowing where we stand gets my mind to wonder away from all the other weird thoughts... You know, the post-motherland trip thoughts.

The thoughts that have made me question the last 15 years of my life. The thoughts that have led me to completely shut her out of my life... But how can I, right? How can I shut her out, when she has been the one by my side over the past 15 years. When she has been the one that has taken care of me, and shaped me into who I am today.. On the flip side, it's everything that she's done that I am starting to question.. What were her motifs, what where the reasons behind the choices that were made- FOR me, nonetheless- several years ago.

I just I could wake up tomorrow and know that things were back to normal.. I understand now why people say that ignorance is bliss.


yeah, because finding out about what I've been lied to, and having it backed up with pictures is a kick to the shins.

post debauchery

you called me. on my birthday. from the middle east. to wish me a happy birthday. I couldn't believe it when I listened to your voicemail. My heart felt like it was braking into little pieces, and it was all my fault, had I not been in bed sleeping off a mean hangover, I would've picked up the phone... ugh I was so mad at myself.
and then you called again. and I couldn't believe my luck, to hear your voice for the first time since April... It was so surreal, and the most amazing birthday present I could've ever asked for.

I worry I am reading into this too much. I worry you won't feel the same way. I worry my heart is going to get broken... and then I remind myself to just take a deep breath, and think about your goofy smile.

-----------------on a very different note.
Why would the tall and skinny man decide to make a pass at one? Why did he automatically asume he could just invite himself into a slumber party. not cool. hope you enjoyed a taste of your own medicine.

umm... found this little guy on the interwebs. me wants one.


xx

i win

Last night after work, I drove up to a cottage with the bestfriends sister and her mister. WE ended up getting SOOO lost, but since she drives a Jeep we were able to go off roading for a little bit and enjoy the nice weather/scenery... We finallly made it to the cottage at around 7, and proceeded to fill our bellies with beer (via flip cup).
After sitting out in the yard watching the fire grow, more and more people started to show up.... By midnight there must've been atleast 25 people all jamming out by the fire. It was such a great night that culminated with fireworks. Ahhh.... le summer, i love you.
The annual epic birthday bonanza kicked off last night at the cottage. Tonight we continue at one of my all-time favourite spots in Ottawa... Trio.
Tomorrow the debauchery continues at Zaphods where I will be joined (hopefuly) by many friends... I bought a really cute dress, and I'm feeling really good about tomorrow. More updates to follow.

how dare i

I went to see Inception tonight, and as the movie was starting I realized that (uh... this is hard to even type) I broke up with the ex exactly a year ago... and oh my god have things ever changed. I still can't believe that so much has happened since we broke up. I have grown so much. I have learned so much. I have most importantly become o.k with who I am.... Something I was struggling with for a very long time.
It's funny to realize that I was complaining only last night about the army man, who I didnt know a year ago.. Sweet irony I guess.
I can't really believe that my birthday is mere 6 days away. To look back on this year and everything that happened is going to be interesting.. To reflect on what happened and what changed this year will make me realize how much I've grown and changed in the past year.

Who I was a year ago, is nothing in comparison to who I am today. I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am ease with where I am in life. maybe now is the time for prince charming to show up.

about a dollar's worth

i wrote you a very heartfelt and emotional e-mail last night. After pressing send, I did my post-sending ritual... I re-read everything that I had said, and then tried to imagine how or what you think about everything that I had to say.
I'm trying to keep my guard up, and not let my heart get in the way of my mind, but I can feel myself slipping. I can't help but feel lost when I think about you... Being so far away from me, and from what you know as home. When you replied this afternoon, you mentioned something along the lines of taking time when you get home to get used to being in a civilized society, and how it might take you a little time. How very selfish of me to think that your head would be where mine is.
Ready, to make a commitment.
Ready, to let someone in to my heart.
(as much as I hate to admit it, I am also ready to get my heart broken because you may not feel the same way.)

----on a side note, I was kindly reminded by MTV's "If you really knew me" that highschool was such weird social experiment... but I survived. I was able to walk away from all the craziness with a highschool diploma (baerly).
And today, I am so far from that.
I am working a full-time corporate america job.
I am happy.
I am at ease with my self (for the most part)
I am proud of myself for accomplishing so many things in just a few months.